Let's go to the movies

I went to see Harry Potter 7 on Friday night in HD IMAX, and, like the first half of the seventh book (my LEAST favorite of the books) nothing happened. I'll give the director props for making the movie quite dark and I only looked at my watch once which means for the most part my attention was held. However, I discovered something about myself that night that will affect every movie going experience I have for the rest of my life: I am the bane of movie goers everywhere.

Before I continue, let me explain something about myself: I have an oral fixation. Yeah, yeah, make all of the jokes you want, get it out of your system: 'I'll give you something to stick in your mouth' ':0' '90% of white girls can't open their mouths without showing their teeth' (Booya! got you!). With that said, I chew gum like it is my job. I shop for gum at BJs and/or Costco, and when they run out, I buy two packs of gum a day. I put the gum in my mouth, chew, spit. New gum, chew spit: all within a minute. So usually throughout the movie, I will be continuously going into my purse and grabbing a new piece (usually in one of those foil packages of course). But this particular HP7 viewing was different: this time I came in with a different arsenal.

My allergy to dairy severely limits my movie going treats because I can't have normal movie theatre popcorn or candy or ice cream or pretzels; so when I went to the store and saw sugar free CHOCOLATE flavoured candy, I was all over it like fat kid and candy (Hmmm). And I took these with me...and of course they were wrapped in that annoying plastic like the new Sun Chips bag that has recently been pulled off of the market in the next year. AND I also just HAVE to chew it because GOD FORBID the candy should be taken from my mouth before I have a chance to finish it. Realizing that I didn't savor the taste, a reach into the loud plastic bag in my purse, take out another one, suck, chew, and etc the cycle continues.

Yes, I am that person who is noisy throughout the whole movie but be thankful that I have now caught the err of my ways and the fact that I am not any of these people that I have had the opportunity of sitting in front of (always in front of, I don't know why)

1) What: The cell phone. Movie: Every movie. Details: Self-explanatory

2) What: Crying baby. Movie: Star Wars Episode 2. Details: WHO THE FUCK BRINGS A TWO MONTH OLD BABY TO SEE STAR WARS WHICH IS FULL OF LOUD NOISES, LASER GUNS GOING OFF, FIGHTING, AND SHITTY ACTING ALL OF WHICH BABIES HATE!!!!!!!!! My dad turned around after this one and called them out on their bad parenting skills. Their reply: "He's sick, we couldn't just leave him home." This brings up many concerns the most important being that they should have stayed home. Another important one: Would they have left the child home if it was healthy?

3) What: Whooping Cough. Movie: Anyone that allows people to sip beverages. Details: Instead of swallowing especially if it appears some sort of funny part or scary part is coming up, spit it out in front of you.

4) What: Getting spit on. Movie: Beerfest. Details: First date. Date comes drunk. Drunk=movie funny. Drunk=keep drinking to stay drunk. Keeping drinking=wet right half of the body. Result=9.5 month relationship. Please disregard advice from above.

5) (my favourite) What: Personal deli. Movie: Planet of the Apes. Details: I went with my neighbor and her family to this one (back when I could eat Raisinets I actually dumped them all over the place as loudly as I could during the most tense part of the movie. I don't remember what that was, but does anyone remember the remake?). Five minutes into the movie, we hear some crinkling of a paper bag opening. A minute later, the smell of pepperoni and cheese came wafting our wave. "Pete. Pete! Do you need some more pepperoni?!" "Stella, give me the provolone. No, not the mild, the sharp. The sharp!" You probably don't believe me...but this went on for two hours...or a lifetime depending on if you liked the movie or not.