Happy Turkey Day

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to say thank you to everything I have (like a family and a home and pepperoni) and all of the things I don't have (such as measles, venereal diseases, and allergies to sheep). But also in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am already starting to look forward to what I want for Christmas. Besides the usual of new trampoline springs so I'm not in danger of crashing to my death, and the new Beauty and the Beast DVD, I have also decided to ask Santa for something a little...out of the ordinary.

I used to spend my youth writing letters to Santa to bring me a puppy because my father would never let us have any, and my brother wrote a four page essay on the reasons as to why we need a dog (Air Bud anyone?), but now I've become more practical. This year I would like a superpower...and not just any boring old superpower: I want to temporarily be able to kill people.

Remember back in grade school when you would have to say which superpower you'd like? No? Well think about it. Now imagine the creativity of grade school aged kids: we all wanted to be able to fly, walk through walls (for those who think it'd be fun to walk in on their parents in the middle of the night), or have x-ray vision (a favorite of Mr. Polaris's). I, on the other hand, wanted to be different so I said "I want to be able to speak all the languages of the world." How stupid I was! That isn't useful, not in a world where everyone who's anyone speaks American! But we digress and thankfully I've learned from my naiveness. And now as my official request:

Dear Santa,

I would like the ability to temporarily kill people. I know you might think this rash, terroristic even, but let me explain.

Yesterday, as I traversed from Boston to New York (clean to polluted) at 7 in the morn, I had the lucky opportunity to sit next to a kid, who looked normal enough (but from BU, I should have known). Within a few minutes though, I realized my err: as I watched my foreign flick on my laptop, Mr. Ginger BU slept, mouth open, with his iPod up all the way to the maximum! I thought I was at a fucking metal concert the whole time. I had such a goddam headache! I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO HAVE TEMPORARILY KILLED HIM!! Such as, whipping out from my pant leg the sword of Aragon and decapitating him for the rest of the journey. I almost warned him that he would go deaf, but I want him to. I want him to go deaf dammit.

And there are other times, such as when I'm walking with a destination in mind and the people I catch up to are not only walking 0.001 mph, but they are also 4 person wide on a 3 person wide sidewalk. You say step into the street to pass them, I say nay, a) I will get hit by a car, b) I will get hit by a bicycle, c) that's not the point, its a free fucking sidewalk, and d) taking a Harry Potter wizarding wand and shoving it through the back of their necks is just more fun.

And Santa, I know that you will feel me for this one: you're walking in your workshop, and you accidentally slam your knee into one of the elves tables, right where it hurts. One of the elves laughs. You can't tell me that for that instant you don't want to kill that elf (not forever, he is your best dollhouse architect) and all of the other elves for being so small that their tables are at knee height!

And why not just stun them? Because stunning a person doesn't teach said person a lesson. Killing them on the other hand, is the ultimate lesson. The person thinks "Oh my God(s) (politically correct), oh my God(esses)! I'm dying, I'm dying!" And then they die....and when they come back to life, well they learn to never ever ever do whatever they were doing before, lest they don't come back to life.

Please Santa, in the spirit of the Holidays, grant me this one gift - this ability! I've never really asked for much (maybe a car, a puppy, and a boyfriend on occasion, but who doesn't). I promise to use it wisely, only on people who piss me off, look at me wrong, or just happen to be...there.

Don't forget everything I've ever done for you (that's right, I'm pulling the cookie card)

Love, Me,